Braised Squabs In-- Aw, Who Are We Kidding, Twinkies Again
Note: While Squabs Aw Who Are We Kidding can be prepared by and for one person, for best results use companions during the imagination step.
You will need:
1. Ponder the possibility of shooting some doves.
2. Imagine the creation of Braised Squabs in Sour Cream with Juniper. Some inclusions you might enjoy: the discussion of how well your brother (for best results, use Dean) makes anything involving juniper berries; the last time you actually hunted anything that flies; how there was a whole lot of pigeons back at that one farm before you passed the state line, and they probably wouldn't miss a few; how squabs aren't very big anyway, in fact, they're about the same size as these Twinkies and have similar fat content; Hell, we don't even have any salt and pepper in this place, but we could go get some; Also, don't you need coarsely chopped butter for the sour cream thing?
2. Listen glassy-eyed to your father for awhile as he goes off on a tangent about how years ago, when Dean was, like, thirteen, all you boys and he ate for weeks was squabs, and that was okay, because Dean was just tickled pink over that shotgun that Pastor Jim gave him, and Jim is the one who taught him that butter and sour cream thing, right? And there was always Cognac to put in it. But yeah, been awhile since you bothered with birds. (Optional)
3. Look at each other (for best results, use companions, but you may stare with wistful vacancy into an empty cabinet, if desired)
4. Reach for 2 packages of Twinkies.
Makes 4 servings of 1 Twinkie each
You will need:
1. Lucky Charms
2. Milk (Optional)
1. Split Lucky Charms evenly between you. Evenly, you creep. Jeez.
2. No, you have to split the marshmallow parts evenly, too. You have to-- putting a lot of oat parts in one person's bowl and all the rainbow in another person's bowl is the wrong way to do this. You're doing it wrong.
3. You have marshmallow pieces in your hand, not just in the bowl. Put them back.
4. Okay, I'm counting them now.
Makes 12 servings, unless your brother is selfish.
Peanut Butter Cups
You will need:
1. A conviction that your brother possesses peanut butter cups
1. Look sideways at your brother unsettlingly for up to one minute, or until he says, "What?"
2. Ask, "Where'd you put the peanut butter cups?" Until receiving the response, "What peanut butter cups?"
3. Say something that does not require a direct denial, for instance "Come on, you know what peanut butter cups."
4. To your father, say, "He (or your brother's name) has peanut butter cups." At this point, a neutral grunt will be the only response, as your father is in the middle of reading a newspaper article and has recently finished a really good cigar. Set aside.
5. Repeat steps 2 and 3 to taste.
6. Begin using questions which require direct denial, such as "Do you or do you not have those peanut butter cups?" or "Did you eat all of the peanut butter cups we had in the car when I saw you eating some on Route 4?" You will see your brother respond with sullen uncertainty, since he has no way to deny his possession without telling a lie in front of your father.
7. Now that your father has finished his newspaper article, say, "Dad, he (or your brother's name) has peanut butter cups."
8. Wait for your father to say, "Who has peanut butter cups?"
9. Point at the required brother.
Hint #1: Shortly after your father has received peanut butter cups is an excellent time to ask him if you can have one of those cigars, too.
Hint #2: Never divulge the location of your entire stash of peanut butter cups, a common mistake.
You will need:
1. Cold beer
2. Access to potable running water
1. Select 1 or 2 bottles of beer from the cooler.
2. Drink the beer.
3. Fill the empty bottle/s from the water tap.
4. Provide each of your son/s with a bottle of water.
5. Receive complaint, "This tastes like beer."
6. Sigh disgustedly. Dump out the first serving of water and refill the bottle to give to the complainant.
7. After several years of using this recipe, dip into the cooler and hand your oldest son a bottle of beer.
8. Say, "You're old enough to drink beer, now, aren't you?"
9. Listen to your younger son explain that your oldest son is 19, and not yet 21.
10. Ask, "What, you want one, too, now?"
11. "Um. Sure."
12. Discontinue use of recipe.
You will need:
2. A can opener
1. Say, "I don't really feel like Spaghettios." until some one in your family agrees that they, too, don't feel like Spaghettios.
2. Begin opening Spaghettios with can opener.
3. Sigh, stop opening Spaghettios, and say, "Fuck, I really don't want Spaghettios."
4. Wait for your companion/s to reply, "Me either." or "Yeah, I can't stand the thought of Spaghettios right now." or "You never want Spaghettios, so why do we even buy them?" and "I don't remember ever buying Spaghettios." or "Has anyone here ever bought Spaghettios? This is like that blue Disco shirt of Dean's he swears isn't his." and "Well, it isn't. I've told you a million times."
5. Leave the can opener in the crack in the Spaghettios can and, standing near the can, look listlessly around the environment. Say, "You must have something stored away you're not admitting to. Cough it up."
6. The reply should be, "Are you kidding? Why the fuck would I have agreed to Spaghettios, if I had anything else to subsist on besides Spaghettios? I don't want Spaghettios."
7. Be exasperated. Your companion/s will be depressed. This is to be expected at this point, but the Spaghettios will still turn out fine in the end.
8. Have an inspiration as to the honor-system fresh-vegetable stand ten miles back along the highway. Say, "Do you think they packed everything up?"
9. Head to the vegetable stand.
10. On the way, spy a wild rabbit crouched in the ditch.
11. Say, "Holy crap, Dad, that was a rabbit."
12. Dad will say, "What, you think I'm blind? Drop me off here and pick me up when you have a bag of potatoes."
13. Respond with your favorite variation of "You got it."
14. Arrive at vegetable stand. Find out that potatoes are unattended, but still present. Drop 2 crumpled one-dollar bills in the provided locked box.
15. Select bag of potatoes and throw into car. Say, "Well, at least we got potatoes to bake on the hot plate, if nothing else. And we might have got a rabbit."
16. Be still and wait for comeuppance in form of inevitable reply: "What are you kidding? Of course we'll have a rabbit." Give a shrug which may or may not indicate that you apologize abjectly for doubting Dad's accuracy with a gun.
16. Re-acquire Dad. At this point you should also have two field-dressed rabbits.
17. Return to the environment containing your hot plate. Sear the food.
18. Wait about two hours for everything to stew, casting occasional blank glances at the Spaghettios can with the can opener still in it. Find a piece of gum in the car to split into three pieces to chew while waiting.
19. Exclaim over rabbit, and agree that it is much, much tastier and better in every way than Spaghettios. Mention that potatoes from this area this year are okay, too.
20. Go to bed full.
21. Wait approximately 7 to 10 hours.
22. Heat partially pre-opened Spaghettios for breakfast.
23. Go back to that vegetable stand for sweet corn because Dad wants sweet corn and he didn't explicitly state that he wanted sweet corn, which is why you didn't get any last night, for crying out loud. Say hello to the guy who is there this morning and tell him his potatoes were pretty good. Try to remember which state you're in and whether it's okay to mention having picked off some rabbits, or whether there's a late season here.
Bored on a Stake-Out in the Middle of Nowhere Ice Cream
Sam's Note: If you're going to call this Bored on a Stake-Out Ice Cream, you can't go inside to cook the milk. Of course, you don't have to abandon a stake-out to do this, and in some cultures it is believed you do not have to be on one in the first place (a purist disagrees) in order to make this recipe. But if there is not ample opportunity for small bugs to fly into the sugar and milk mixture while it is being heated, you're doing it wrong.
You will need:
1. 1 7 lb bag of ice, available in plastic bags somewhere within a five-mile radius of your position, no matter where you are in the country
2. Salt, already in the trunk
3. 3-4 cups Whole milk, available sometimes where you got the ice, and almost always at a farm within five miles of your current position. If Whole milk is not available, 2 percent and real cream acquired from the restaurant where you get the sugar will substitute.
4. Enough sugar packets for coffee from roadside establishments to equal one-half cup
1. Be on a stake-out in the middle of nowhere. Regularly glance restlessly into the rearview mirror, as if you should be facing that way in the first place. Say, "Fuck."
2. Wait for your brother to reply, "What?"
3. Say, "I'm bored."
4. Your brother will say, "It's a stake-out."
5. Explain, "I want some ice cream."
6. "And I want a back rub from a supermodel. Not one of those skinny ones, either." (he will say)
7. "All supermodels are skinny." (you will say) Continue, "How fast can one horde of furies come out of a cornfield all at one time, anyway? I'm going back to that bar at the T-section for a bag of ice."
8. Your brother will say, "Fine."
This step is the part that often confuses beginners. Just be aware that you have become the opposite brother beginning in Step 9. It's that easy!
9. Awkwardly hold the assembled ingredients in your arms while your brother seeks out a saucepan.
10. Say, "Couldn't I go ahead and put this ice in the cooler, and cover it to keep it cold, while you get the fire going?"
12. Go ahead and do that.
13. Open milk and pour into saucepan.
14. Open each package of sugar and dump into saucepan.
15. "Try to find something resembling a spoon."
16. Do as your brother says.
17. If you are alone, build your own fire; if you are with your brother, watch him build the fire, which he will do as follows:
Use a pit in the form of a pothole, available in any driveway or road.
If there are enough sticks available locally to keep a tiny blaze going for a few minutes, you are golden. If not, add a greasy rag to keep the dried weeds from dying off too fast.
18. Place saucepan full of milk and sugar mixture over fire and stir constantly until it coats the back of a spoon-like object.
19. Pour the milk and sugar mixture into any container on your person or in your car which will fit inside any other container on your person or in your car. Your brother's preferred bowl for the interior container appears to be a large dog bowl, and the exterior container this time will be a fish cooler.
20. Ask, "Has an actual dog been eating out of that bowl?"
21. Hear, "Don't be silly. This is a dog's water bowl."
22. Further questioning is optional, however, keep in mind that any doubts on your part are irrelevant to your brother, and highly relevant to the division of the ice cream once it is completed.
23. Place the dog bowl containing the milk and sugar mixture in the cooler containing the ice. Cover until chilled but not frozen.
24. Remove cover and add at least one cup of salt to the ice. Continue to lift the lid often and stir slowly for 1 hour, or until frozen.
Serves 1-3, depending upon how many people are present to consume the entire batch before it melts, if it is frozen before the object of the stake-out renders ice cream temporarily obsolete and this batch useless.
Note: This recipe is special because the Winchesters are known as almost the only family in the entire Midwest to actually eat fruitcake during the holiday season. Traditionally, the fruitcake is served in thick slices, with beer and powdered hot chocolate.
You will need:
1. A family which traditionally serves fruitcake but does not eat it.
2. Ingratiating manners.
1. Find the family which serves but does not eat fruitcake.
2. Engage ingratiating manners. It is not necessary to do this for more than two or three moments. Keep a close eye on it. As soon as the family you are using realizes that you actually want to eat fruitcake, you will be given as much as you can hold.
Hint: The method for this recipe is also excellent for use in obtaining other seasonal Midwestern treats, such as raspberries, tomatoes, and zuchinni. However, be aware that with use of a regular address and legitimate IDs, you may be unable to escape these wholesome goodies in the future.